Surrounded with love...but still feeling alone

I think that "the mourning process" has started with Hailu. We were told that every child goes through this at some point.....At some point they mourn the loss of their country, their friends, family, culture etc... He is so happy most of the time, but certain comments, or questions he has brought up lately have cut so deep into my heart. It isn't necessarily what he says or asks, it is the feelings that I know he must have behind those comments or questions. He asked if we could go back to Ethiopia one day and then come back to America again. He said "I miss it"...... I sometimes feel so sad that he had to leave Ethiopia and start all over. Overall, it sounds like he really enjoyed his life. He has told us so many stories about the fun he had with friends and all the people that he loved and that loved him. He speaks so fondly of the simple things he had in his life.....he treasures his memories. I honestly think that the only thing that was "missing" was a Mom and Dad. Sure, he didn't own a toothbrush, he tells us that he never took a shower or bath before the orphanage....(he just went swimming)...his clothes were tattered and dirty....but he was happy, or at least this is what he tells us. I have to remind myself that God has absolutely, without a doubt, had his hand in this adoption and that He has had Hailu's life and ours all planned out from the very beginning. What we see and understand could be very different than what God has in mind. For this reason, I just have to continually commit this all to Him and trust him to help us be the Mom and Dad that he has called us to be to this little boy. What he once thought of as "family" has changed....he has no memories of his birth father or mother.....and after his sister and brother died, he clung to his friends and they became his "family". He misses them....he told me tonight.

Hailu is so silly and loves to laugh... he has such a zest for life and adventure.......he loves any opportunity he gets to serve one of us in any way he can. There is never a time yet that he hasn't thanked me so sweetly for a meal or a snack...and he makes sure to tell me how good it was too. He loves all the one on one attention that he is receiving. He always has compassion and concern when he sees that one of us may be upset. He is so brave and strong....he has been through so much in his life and still continues to display all these positive traits. I know that he feels a sense of belonging here and I know that this is the Lord's doing.

There is that small part of him that feels so alone though.....I see it when he is frustrated that our school days are not like the school days he had in Ethiopia. I see it when we are with other friends or family that we have a strong bond with, that he has not developed that bond with yet. I see it when he stares fondly at the belongings and photos of his past. There are many more times that I know that he feels alone.....even surrounded with love, there is a piece of him that is seems to feel empty.

I want to make this feeling go away for him....as his mother, I am hurting right along with him. I don't know how to make things "all better".....only God can do this, and He will. I just continue to pray and hope that Hailu will do the same. I had a conversation with him today as he sat in my lap with tears in his eyes.....I tried to tell him that I understood his frustrations and that when he feels this way, that he can go to the Lord and ask him for comfort that only He is able to give. I think he understood....

What a huge gift but also a huge responsibility it is to raise children! I have said this before, but I will say it again.....Isaac and Hailu are not mine, they are both God's children....they each came into our lives a different way.....but the gift and the task are the same....to raise these boys to be Godly men who are dedicated to serving and pleasing Him in all they do....to teach them the love of Christ through our example. To care for, nurture and love them unconditionally. I pray each day that I won't let Him down.....Please help me Lord to be the mother to these boys that you would have me to be.

So much to say....so little time

I have wanted to post on my blog for so long now.....every night when the boys are finally in bed, I sit down at the computer and get ready to type and I just don't even know where to start. I am usually so tired and can't put my thoughts together to type out all that I have soaring through my mind. It has only been a couple of weeks now that I could actually truly pray. There was so much in my mind and heart, I couldn't even find the words to say to God. It is so hard to explain.....I am just so glad that He knows... In my devotions this morning I read a great quote, John Bunyan said, "It is better to have a heart without words, than words without heart."

So, I am not going to even try, at this point to re-cap our trip to Ethiopia....I will do this eventually. For now I am going to just focus on what is happening in the present, since we have been home. There are so many things that I don't want to forget.....and that is one of the main reasons I started this blog......so I would have a record of all the big and little things that happen in our lives.
In the middle of last week, Isaac mentioned to me that he thought Hailu was doing really well with his english. It is true.....it seems like all of a sudden he is talking so much more and is full of stories and is always trying to make us laugh. From the very first day we met him, he has been full of laughter. He LOVES to be silly and really loves it when we act silly! At least twice a day now, he will just bust out in laughter over something small, and he will just keep laughing until someone else joins in with him. Most of the time, he and Isaac will be cracking up, and I will ask what is so funny, and they will say "I don't know" and just keep laughing. I love hearing them getting along and having so much fun together. The only time this is not appealing to me is during school. Today for example, Hailu just wasn't in the mood for school and he was goofing around and saying silly things the whole time when I was trying to teach him. This was extremely frustrating, even to Isaac. Isaac just wanted to get his work done.....I had to keep correcting Hailu and this was slowing down his progress. I have gotten a good idea of what Hailu has learned and what he is capable of learning now, so starting next week, he will be under a strict school schedule. I think that is what he needs.....consistency and a strict schedule, in order for him to take school serious. In most areas he is at a 1st-2nd grade level which is awesome......the only thing that is making it hard is the language barrier.....I am not always sure if he truly doesn't understand what I am explaining to him, or if he just doesn't feel like doing what I am asking him to do.

There are some phrases in english that over the past few weeks he seems to really like to say. Sometimes it fits correctly to the situation, but sometimes it doesn't.....and then this is when we all start to laugh.....of course he loves that! He likes to say "He's OK" , "watch this", "what are you doing".....and today he must have called to me 7 or 8 times from another room in the house "MOM!!" then I say "Yes? or What?" and then he would say really slowly and with his cute little accent "How are you doing? " then I would answer him and ask how he was doing and then he just laughs and says "I am fine". Yesterday he started asking us what different words we say meant.....and he has been really interested in the books that I have been reading to him. I think that the language is beginning to become clear to him and now he is feeling comfortable trying it out and asking us more questions. To anyone that has been through this before, you know how fun and exciting this is to see the progress.
So much more to tell....this is just the most recent....I will get back on here soon and tell about the horrible doctor's visit, social issues, his talents and desire to serve others and help, his funny quirks etc...

For now I am going to end it here....I am exhausted. I will finish off this post with a couple more photos and a video.......

We are home!!!!

(photo was taken last Sunday in Ethiopia)

I don't have the time to post details yet, but I wanted to at least update that we are finally home! All is well, and everyone seems to be adjusting beautifully. I promise I will post more information soon and more photos. We are so happy to be home!! We are praising God for all He has done!

HAPPY 9th Birthday ISAAC!!

Today we celebrated Isaac's 9th birthday! I can't believe how the years are passing by so quickly! We feel so blessed to have had another year with such an amazing little boy! I am so thankful for him and so proud to be his mom! Isaac, we love you so so much!

Over the years he has grown so close to his cousins...they are more like brothers and sisters to him...he absolutely considers them his very best friends.Along with having them here to celebrate with him, we also got 2 new videos of his brother today!I think he had a great birthday

We got the call!!!

We got the call this morning!!! We expected an update on our case, but not our actual travel approval and embassy appointment!!! We are so excited that God has chosen to finally let us go get our sweet boy! We were crying, laughing, jumping up and down and just praising and thanking God for this amazing gift today! It feels like a dream....I can't believe that we are actually going next week! I feel as if God got both of us right where He wanted us....in total submission and trust in Him....and then He said...ok, now you can go. What cherished lessons we have learned that can't even be put into words!
We will leave next Wednesday, Thursday or Friday and we should have that handsome little boy in our arms by Sunday the 22nd for sure! That is my birthday! Won't that be the most amazing gift?!!
Ok, off to look for flights and make arrangements for a place to stay when we are there!
YAY!!!!!!!

My purpose in this post is honestly, mainly for me...to journal and keep a record, of what I feel was something amazing that God did in my life this week. If you choose to read on, and you are encouraged, then this time I spend typing this out will have served a double purpose! (:

We had VBS this past week at church, and I went into the first couple of days bogged down by all the tension and sadness concerning the adoption. On the outside I was smiling for the children, giving all I had into the lessons, and asking God to give me the ability to set this stress aside, and enjoy this week, telling these children all about Him! This would be the first time several of these children had even ever heard who God was! "Seeds" were going to be planted in their little hearts, and I had a responsibility to present our God in a way that would be pleasing to Him!
The first day was about Gideon leading the Israelites against the Midianites-how God helped them win the battle against this HUGE army in such a unexpected way......the lesson was, that God is undefeatable and no matter how things may "look", just trust in Him....
I randomly pick each morning either Oswald Chambers for my devotions or Joni Eareckson Tada......It usually depends on my mood- if I want to "dig deep" I go with Chambers, and if I need something a little more light and encouraging I usually will read Joni's. Tuesday morning was Oswald Chambers......There was one paragraph that got my attention that seemed to apply to my situation right now, but I just read the suggested reading in Luke that went along with it and prayed and went about my day. I have to admit....my mind was still in a fog and I wasn't focusing or giving God the proper time or attention He deserves at this point.
So Tuesday night was the exciting story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the fiery furnace! The kids loved this story and we were all so enthusiastic about this great miracle that God had done! The lesson was that God was unmatchable, and how once again He showed His power when these men put their trust and faith in Him!
Wednesday morning I decided to check out Joni's devotional....it comes to me every day by email automatically. The title of the email and devotional was "Chosen for the Furnace". I thought "oh that is funny...this is what we were just teaching the kids last night!" I read it and read the scripture and it was all about being chosen to suffer, what you do in that time of suffering, and what God has to offer through His Word to comfort you in these times of suffering. I thought it was ironic, but I even said to my mom that night when I told her about it..."I don't feel like we are suffering.....not compared to others in the world or these three men that we read about in the bible....."
Then Wednesday night was the story of Paul and Silas. They were thrown in prison and bound in chains because of their outward faith and testimony for Christ. While they sat in prison they never stopped praising God. God caused the earthquake which broke their chains, but instead of running away, they remained there and continue to witness to the guard who then gave his life to Christ because of their testimony. The lesson was that God is uncontainable!
Ok, so Thursday morning I opened up my email again to find the title of the devotional "Bolts and Bars". It was all about the "chains" that may be confining you in your life.....and what Paul had to say in Philippians about his time in prison and confinement..... how it enabled him to speak the Word of God even more fearlessly and courageously to those he came in contact with. God definitely had my attention now! I felt like 2 days in a row was not just by chance! My eyes were now open and I went back and pondered the scriptures and devotionals that I had read the past couple of days.
Thursday night was about Elijah on the mountain top looking to hear God's voice in his time of need and trouble. He expected to hear it in the wind, the earthquake and the fire....but ended up hearing God's voice in a whisper. The lesson was, that God is unpredictable. If we are "still" and just "LISTEN" we might just be able to hear what He is trying to "say" to us.
Friday morning's devotional was about Gideon! I am not kidding! That was our story at VBS from the first night! Joni asked "What battles are you facing in your life....whatever they are, draw encouragement from Gideon and the Lord Jesus...... and press on!"
It then dawned on me that all week long, God was trying to speak to me in a "whisper" through His Word! All throughout this adoption process, He seems to have spoken to us in a "wind" or "earthquake" or "fire".....He has provided so many things in so many ways that have been so clearly, undeniably huge, that I think I was probably just expecting something like this again. These devotions and stories and scriptures all tied together this week was not an accident, it was God speaking to me through His Word and showing me His power, His comfort, and His faithfulness. I immediately prayed and thanked Him for allowing my eyes to finally be opened to what He had been trying to show me all week! How did I get so privileged to have God's Word available to me at all times.....and why do I take it for granted so often?! It is so much more than just a book with stories in it or a list of do's and don'ts......I think that we forget that sometimes..... I will strive now not to just pass over and put aside a verse or a passage that I think may not apply to me ..... 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. I will strive now to make sure I am paying attention when God is trying to gently "whisper" to me.
So as this week approaches, we have the anticipation of possibly finding out whether or not the head of the US embassy in Ethiopia is going to grant Hailu his visa or not. There are high hopes of a particular individual meeting with her, and we are hoping that when things are explained in a proper way, she will understand the situation and clearly allow things to move forward and give him his visa. I don't want to go into all the details yet publicly, it is too fragile of a situation and I don't want to risk getting anyone upset. We are praying that God's will be done!! This lady has the power to change everything right now.....but she doesn't have ANY power that God does not give to her. He WILL get all the glory for whatever happens this week......His perfect plan will unfold exactly the way he intends it to. I am excited to see how He is going to work this all out! Stay tuned!

Not much to say....

There isn't much to tell, other than we know now that the document has been submitted to the embassy for review. It remains to be seen whether or not this particular document will be acceptable to them. If not, we will have to continue to wait until something is created that WILL be acceptable. We have our amazing, wonderful, friend at Todd Platts (our state rep) office working with us now to try to expedite the decision. Today she reached contact with the embassy in Ethiopia, but there was still some confusion on their part, so tomorrow we are hoping some things will be cleared up. Since Ethiopia is 7 hours ahead, there is only a short window of time when they can be reached during their office hours.
I am feeling confident and absolutely at peace with however God chooses to work this out, but I am feeling sad at the same time. It is so hard to explain how I am feeling, because it is so strange to even me at times when I think about how much I love Hailu, when we haven't even met him yet. God has put this intense love in our hearts for him.......he is our son.....I miss him.....I want to hug and kiss him, laugh with him, play with him, teach him, comfort him......I want him home.