I looked out the window the other day and had to grab my camera to capture this sweet moment....I wasn't exactly sure at the time what they were looking at, or what they were saying, but they just looked so cute, I had to snap a few shots. I later found out that they were looking at the clouds and spotting "shapes" of all different things.
This was a refreshing moment in the midst of the many challenges we have faced with Hailu the past 2 weeks.
His sadness and frustration is coming out in many negative ways now.....sarcasm, greed, disrespect...he is argumentative, moody, and just simply hard to be around sometimes. It is such a comfort to me to know that ALL of this is completely normal and that many other parents have been through the same thing (some, even worse!).......and that it WILL get better. So many different emotions are flowing through me throughout the day and it is so draining.
November 11th

I started this post on the 31st of October, and I am just now getting back to finish......
I am pleased to say that things have gotten so much better in the past couple of weeks. I had some long talks with a few friends that gave me such encouragement and good advice! Thanks Shannon, Ajay and Misiker! These pep-talks gave me the boost I needed to really get cracking on some discipline and adjustments in how I approached Hailu. The fact that he is really learning english well is helping also! Now when we have a discussion about his attitude or his behavior, he actually is understanding. Our days are not without challenges.....but the difference now, is that I am ending the day feeling like much has been accomplished, instead of feeling defeated and discouraged.
Hailu had an episode on Sunday evening that gave Mike a clear picture of the attitude I am dealing with on a daily basis while he is at work. As stressful as it was, I can now look back and thank the Lord for this opportunity for Mike to be involved in the correction and instruction right then and there.....instead of after the fact. I let him handle it all, and he did an amazing job with it! The next morning, Hailu woke up very apprehensive to face me.....he and Mike had settled things, but he was unsure about my feelings still. I immediately approached him as soon as he finally came downstairs, and after a short discussion, he told me that he was sorry....I told him that I forgave him and that I loved him....and that it was now finished.....a new day, let's move on...... Well, ever since then, I can't even count the amount of times he hugs me tightly during the day and tells me he loves me! I am not sure if it is his way of saying he is really sorry, or if he is finally realizing that we actually do love him. All I do know is that he is obviously has had something in his mind and heart change. He is trying so hard to have a good attitude during our school day, and is happy to let me make the choices now. He may not always like my choice, but he hasn't been arguing it.
I really feel like in so many ways he is like a toddler, and then he has a side of him that is so mature. I think this has been why it has been so hard to figure out how to approach and discipline each issue. He doesn't remember ever having parents, so we are his first experience with this. There are so many things that we are having to teach him, that we taught Isaac when he was 2 or 3 years old. He has had discipline his whole life.....but it is obvious that he hasn't had the instruction and love behind that discipline. He is testing the waters and today was no exception to that, but with God's help I am ending each day feeling positive and looking forward to tomorrow, instead of dreading it.
On to some fun stuff, before I end this post. Last week I tried to make injera for the first time....The photo and video will speak for themselves. I am not going to give up! Hailu was so sweet and he encouraged me to practice....he said that all the ladies in Ethiopia had to practice! I think he really appreciated me trying. After I took that video, he came in and told me again that I did so good and that maybe I just need a good pan to cook it in.....ha ha.....I think that he may be right.....yes, I will blame it on the pan!

Last exciting tidbit.....Hailu has begun to get his teeth fixed!! Long story short, the Lord provided this wonderful dentist that has a huge heart for adoption and for Hailu. He is going to bond Hailu's top six teeth and fill his cavities for an unbelievably low amount of money! It is truly a gift from God, and we are so thankful and happy for Hailu. He got his front two teeth done on Tuesday....he sat in the chair for 2 hours, he even got novocaine....and he didn't complain once! Those two teeth look beautiful! He looks a bit like a bunny right now, ha ha because they stand out so much amongst the other teeth, but I can see that when the others are done, he is going to have a gorgeous smile. I told my sister-in-law the other day, that as happy as I am for him, it kind of makes me a little sad too....I had gotten used to that sweet smile just the way it was and it almost became endearing to me. That was HIM......he was already my handsome little guy! Fixing these teeth is totally for him and I can see that he is SO happy, so I am glad that we are doing it. We go back on Tuesday again.....hopefully the final 4 will be done then. I will post photos afterwards.

Surrounded with love...but still feeling alone

I think that "the mourning process" has started with Hailu. We were told that every child goes through this at some point.....At some point they mourn the loss of their country, their friends, family, culture etc... He is so happy most of the time, but certain comments, or questions he has brought up lately have cut so deep into my heart. It isn't necessarily what he says or asks, it is the feelings that I know he must have behind those comments or questions. He asked if we could go back to Ethiopia one day and then come back to America again. He said "I miss it"...... I sometimes feel so sad that he had to leave Ethiopia and start all over. Overall, it sounds like he really enjoyed his life. He has told us so many stories about the fun he had with friends and all the people that he loved and that loved him. He speaks so fondly of the simple things he had in his life.....he treasures his memories. I honestly think that the only thing that was "missing" was a Mom and Dad. Sure, he didn't own a toothbrush, he tells us that he never took a shower or bath before the orphanage....(he just went swimming)...his clothes were tattered and dirty....but he was happy, or at least this is what he tells us. I have to remind myself that God has absolutely, without a doubt, had his hand in this adoption and that He has had Hailu's life and ours all planned out from the very beginning. What we see and understand could be very different than what God has in mind. For this reason, I just have to continually commit this all to Him and trust him to help us be the Mom and Dad that he has called us to be to this little boy. What he once thought of as "family" has changed....he has no memories of his birth father or mother.....and after his sister and brother died, he clung to his friends and they became his "family". He misses them....he told me tonight.

Hailu is so silly and loves to laugh... he has such a zest for life and adventure.......he loves any opportunity he gets to serve one of us in any way he can. There is never a time yet that he hasn't thanked me so sweetly for a meal or a snack...and he makes sure to tell me how good it was too. He loves all the one on one attention that he is receiving. He always has compassion and concern when he sees that one of us may be upset. He is so brave and strong....he has been through so much in his life and still continues to display all these positive traits. I know that he feels a sense of belonging here and I know that this is the Lord's doing.

There is that small part of him that feels so alone though.....I see it when he is frustrated that our school days are not like the school days he had in Ethiopia. I see it when we are with other friends or family that we have a strong bond with, that he has not developed that bond with yet. I see it when he stares fondly at the belongings and photos of his past. There are many more times that I know that he feels alone.....even surrounded with love, there is a piece of him that is seems to feel empty.

I want to make this feeling go away for him....as his mother, I am hurting right along with him. I don't know how to make things "all better".....only God can do this, and He will. I just continue to pray and hope that Hailu will do the same. I had a conversation with him today as he sat in my lap with tears in his eyes.....I tried to tell him that I understood his frustrations and that when he feels this way, that he can go to the Lord and ask him for comfort that only He is able to give. I think he understood....

What a huge gift but also a huge responsibility it is to raise children! I have said this before, but I will say it again.....Isaac and Hailu are not mine, they are both God's children....they each came into our lives a different way.....but the gift and the task are the same....to raise these boys to be Godly men who are dedicated to serving and pleasing Him in all they do....to teach them the love of Christ through our example. To care for, nurture and love them unconditionally. I pray each day that I won't let Him down.....Please help me Lord to be the mother to these boys that you would have me to be.